John Stenzel
English 46C
Spring 2000

A Quick Demonstration of Sentence Editing

Here's an example of progressive revision of an important sentence from a student paper. We worked on this in office hours Wednesday, and you should notice the improvement in readability and precision. Try reading aloud; also, consider the ways in which the final version points to specific points that the paper will make later--as if individual topic sentences of paragraphs could grow from this.

Meredith's sonnet not only shocks, disturbs and prompts reevaluation of what we endure in relationships, but also in exposing dysfunctional aspects of marriage that are not usually admitted to or expressed, Meredith's sonnet sequence is a rebellion against the idealization and romanticism of love and marriage and an attack on the stifling suppression of the Victorian era.

Meredith's sonnet shocks us, disturbs us, and prompts us to reevaluate what we endure in relationships. More profoundly, it exposes the dysfunctional aspects of marriage that are not usually admitted or expressed. The sonnet sequence itself is an expression of rebellion against the idealization and romanticism of love and marriage and an attack on the stifling suppression of the Victorian era.

In exposing the dysfunctional aspects of marriage that are not usually admitted or expressed, Meredith's sonnet shocks us, disturbs us, and prompts us to reevaluate what we endure in relationships. The sonnet sequence itself is an expression of rebellion against the idealization and romanticism of love and marriage, an attack on the stifling suppression of the Victorian era.

Taking the last sentence alone:

The sonnet sequence itself is an expression of rebellion at the ways Victorian literature tended to idealize and romanticize love and marriage, an attack on the stifling suppression of .

The sonnet sequence itself thus becomes a subversive attack on Victorian idealization and romanticization of love and marriage.

The sonnet sequence itself thus becomes a subversive attack on Victorian idealization of love and romanticization of marriage.

Worked version:
In exposing the dysfunctional aspects of marriage that are not usually admitted or expressed, Meredith's sonnet shocks us, disturbs us, and prompts us to reevaluate what we endure in relationships. The sonnet sequence becomes a subversive attack on Victorian idealization of love and romanticization of marriage.


Last updated: 10 May 2000