John Stenzel
English 180, Fall 2005

Sentence Clinic

More than a few of you have expressed interest in making sentences or groups of sentences better and sharper. As I mentioned, I posted some guidelines I teach in my writing classes at http://stenzel.ucdavis.edu/180/exercises/strongsentencetips.html, and here I offer some illustrations for applying them to sentences students actually submitted. Please note that the solutions here are not the only correct responses!

1. One of the ways that play is shown to be an effective technique that brings about self-healing is seen in the outdoor play of The Secret Garden.
(Place main message in main subject-verb position, not buried deep in clauses)

The Secret Garden shows the ways outdoor play brings about self-healing [or, helps Mary and Colin heal themselves].

2. Tom's play-acting where he pretends to be taking great care with the brush strokes and techniques while whitewashing his Aunt Polly's fence, convinces boys to join him, not taunt him.
(Reduce thought-stopping gaps between subjects and verbs)

To convince boys to join him, not taunt him, Tom pretends to take great care with his brush strokes and whitewashing techniques. OR--In pretending to take great care with the brush strokes and techniques, Tom's play-acting convinces boys to join him, not taunt him.

3. Tom's intentional and premeditated deception of the other boys has the result of their bartering of various treasures in exchange for the privilege of doing his chore for him.
(Write with strong verbs, not with nouns and to-be verbs)

Because Tom intentionally and premeditatedly deceives the other boys, they barter various treasures in exchange for the privilege of doing his chore for him.

4. One of the problems for the pirates in Treasure Island is the mistrust of each other on account of the shifting of loyalties between their own factions and Long John Silver.
(Unpack nests of prepositional phrases)

Among the pirates' problems in Treasure Island , they mistrust each other because loyalties keep shifting among Long John Silver and various other factions.

5. Scrooge keeps his resolve. He reconciles with his nephew. He takes the Cratchit family under his wing. Scrooge also donates generously to charity.
(Use parallelism [including tabulation or lists if appropriate] to improve clarity and efficiency)

Scrooge keeps his resolve, reconciling with his nephew, taking the Cratchit family under his wing, and donating generously to charity.
  OR--
Keeping his resolve, Scrooge reconciles with his nephew, takes the Cratchit family under his wing, and donates generously to charity.
  OR--
Scrooge keeps his resolve: besides reconciling with his nephew, he takes the Cratchit family under his wing, and donates generously to charity.

6. After Toad Hall is invaded and trashed by the sneaky denizens of the Wild Wood, the heroic re-conquest is accomplished by Badger, Mole, Rat and Toad with the aid of their surprise entrance.
(Use passive voice appropriately, preferring strong sentence agents as subjects)

After the sneaky denizens of the Wild Wood invade and trash Toad Hall, Badger, Mole, Rat and Toad accomplish the heroic re-conquest with the aid of their surprise entrance.
  OR--
After Toad Hall is invaded and trashed by the sneaky denizens of the Wild Wood, a surprise entrance by Badger, Mole, Rat and Toad helps accomplish the heroic re-conquest.
  OR--
Aided by their surprise entrance, Badger, Mole, Rat and Toad heroically reconquer Toad Hall from the sneaky Wild Wooders who have invaded and trashed it.

7. The role of play, specifically the way that children play varies from child to child.
(Read your prose out loud to make sentence length and punctuation decisions)

The role of play, specifically the way that children play, varies from child to child.

8. As Tom is whitewashing the fence, Jim walks by on his way to fetch water and Tom attempts to switch jobs because he knew that going to the well was more fun because everyone trades playthings and there is quarrelling and fighting.
(Read your prose out loud to make sentence length and punctuation decisions)

As Tom is whitewashing the fence, Jim walks by on his way to fetch water and Tom attempts to switch jobs: because he knew that going to the well was is more fun because everyone trades playthings, and there is quarrelling and fighting.

My advice: Don't be satisfied with your writing ability--keep working on your craft.